“Those minutes where I am alone, just me and my pillow. I think. A lot. I think about everything, anything. It varies from “What am I doing with my life?” to “Did I have homework?” The room is so silent, but my mind is so loud. It drives me crazy because the things I would never think about, I think about. Sometimes, I hate it because it brings up things I’d rather never think about again. The split second before sleep is the most active second of my life.”—Leilokheart
“It comes to a point that you love someone so much that even though it hurts a lot to stay,you keep holding on… It’s because you can always let go of all the pain,but never the little happiness you get out of loving that person.”—
Please don’t ask. Please don’t hate me. Please forgive me.
I know you’re my best friend and I’m supposed to tell you everything. But this is just one of those things that I’m too afraid to say, well, because I’m a pussy. I’m saying sorry because I’ve told other people about it and I feel like I’ve cheated on you. Like I’ve stabbed you behind your back. But babe, I hope you believe me when I say that none of those were my intentions. It’s no excuse, but it was breaking me inside and I felt that I had to let it out.
I’m not sure if you have any clue what I’m talking about… I hope you don’t :-| But I want you to know that the reason why I haven’t talked to you about this and why I still can’t, and why I will refuse to tell you after you have read this, is purely because I love you. (and my pussy-ness plays quite a big part on it too :-|) I’ve seen you go through so much and I don’t want to complicate more things for you.
I know you’ll worry after you read this. But don’t. I’m ok. I know you won’t believe me, but I am.
One day, you’ll probably find out what this is about and I’m scared that when that day comes it’s going to hurt you. I’ve been hating myself ever since I’ve been feeling like this because I know I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible best friend. And to be honest, I don’t deserve you’re forgiveness. But babe, I’m really sorry. I hope you do forgive me because I can never live without you.
I knew you’d find out someday… and I’ve been dreading for this day to come… Everything in this post… I hope it makes more sense to you now and I know it probably won’t make any difference now. It’s still all true… I only kept it to myself because I love you so much. I only talked about it with the others because it was eating up me inside and I didn’t tell you because I didn’t wanna complicate things more for you…(either of you) because I know what you’ve been going through. You’ve found a new friend who you seem to enjoy their company so much. I’ve seen so happy with him and I was afraid that if I told you my thoughts it would ruin that for you both. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart Aarti… Aqil… I haven’t seen you two so happy before… I was afraid if I let it out to you any of you two that it would break that.
You two… Even Aqil… are still the most important people in my life. Both of your happiness is all I ever cared about. You never got along when we were going out… and the one day you finally did- it was the happiest day of my life. Every now and then I’d look back at that day and cry because for at least one day… I had both my best friend and the guy I love, love me back- the two people I care about the most, by my side… laughing with me. I’ve never felt so happy before.
Yeah, it hurts seeing you two together because it reminds me of that day I had both of you and how I could never have that same feeling again… but I swallow that up because aside from that pain, seeing you two getting along so well and knowing you two have found the personalities which I love about both of you somehow eases that pain.
My intentions were not to hurt either of you, specially you Aarti, and I know that that didn’t go so well and I know I’m on the wrong for not saying anything and telling others about it instead.